One of my sons has recently returned to the UK having spent two and a half years in the Southern hemisphere. Due to Covid restrictions we’ve not had the opportunity to visit him. So happy tears have been present for me recently, that moment when we are filled with joy and emotion, we start to cry. Which in itself might be considered odd as we usually associate tears with sadness.

A recent study reported in The Psyche by Janis Zickfeld found that happy tears are common and they can be grouped into four specific categories.

• Achievement tears, which occur when someone shows extraordinary skill or performance, attains a well-deserved success or overcomes a big obstacle. These tears might involve feelings of pride or admiration when observing the achievements of others.
• Affectionate tears occur when someone experiences or observes a special sense of closeness or communality. Holding a new born baby or reuniting with someone we’ve not seen for a long time. That intense state of feeling moved by love. Sometimes we may experience both achievement and affection tears together, perhaps when we are observing an important achievement of our own loved one.
• People shed beauty tears when they observe particular magnificence or artistry in nature, music, visual arts or poetry for example. We only have to look to the judge, Keith Brymer Jones, on the Great Pottery Throw Down to see this in action. Beauty tears are often accompanied by feelings of awe, wonder or amazement.
• Lastly amusement tears when someone experiences something so funny or comical that it’s hard to hold back the tears. Laughing with others can have the same effect too. These tears are often accompanied by a feeling of lightness and pleasure.

(https://psyche.co/ideas/theres-something-in-my-eye-the-real-reasons-for-happy-tears)

So why do humans shed emotional tears? A theoretical answer is that crying is a social signal. When it comes to negative tears, the theory is that it’s a signal for help. Happy tears may be the signal that we are not a threat and we are eager to be close to others and improve our social bonding.

So why bring this up in a blog reflecting on coaching?

During our work we train many people new to coaching and they often express discomfort when faced with tears in the coachee. We hear comments like “Oh no, I feel awful, I’ve made them cry” or “We just need to stop the session and let them take a few moments to pull themselves together”.

As coaches our response to our coachee’s emotional expression is key to how it is experienced by them. If we start to look uncomfortable and pull away they are more likely to try to push back their tears or feel embarrassment or shame, this can have the effect of bringing down their mood and shutting down any awareness raising.

If, however, we can ‘get comfortable’ with others expressing emotion and indeed respond with empathy, they are more likely to feel emotional comfort and their mood improves. They are also more likely to be able to take time to tune into that emotion and raise awareness for what is really going on for them.

So, let’s get comfortable working with tears, happy or sad they are a sign something significant is going on for your coachee.